Is your outside a reflection of your inside?

Recently I read that our inside is a reflection of the world we create around us. This was actually in my meditation today. It got me thinking, which is always dangerous.

I've been in a tug of war with the medical industry over a medication I've taken forever that was recently deemed unnecessary. I had a fabulous doctor years ago that recognized only having one lung made me uniquely qualified for an immunoglobin plasma replacement treatment. When I first met Dr. Daniel Ein at George Washington University Medical Center in Washington, DC, I was very sick and unhappy. Thinking back, every joint hurt and I was in and out of hospitals for pneumonia. I was tested for every autoimmune disease there was and nothing popped but this one subclass deficiency. Brian had taken Family Medical Leave to help me with three year old Justine and ten year old Hope. When IVIG was suggested by my previous immunologist I was told it might take up to six months to get approval. IVIG is Intravenous Immunoglobulin Replacement Therapy and I am low in IGG subclass 3. Unfortunately, this is the one that fights pneumonia and all respiratory diseases. At the time I was taking antibiotics prophylactically and had been for about a year and a half. My inside and outside was in chaos and I looked it too. Over a thousand miles from any family, my outlook was not positive. I couldn't volunteer at Hope's elementary school, because I always got sick. After traveling by plane, it was an almost guarantee there would be a hospital stay which would take another month of my life away. I was missing out on not only my life, but my kids too. I had read about Dr. Ein somewhere and took a chance and called for an appointment. He got me in almost immediately and had my replacement therapy started within a month. Talk about a drastic life change. I got stronger. Didn't have to take antibiotics anymore, except on rare occasions and I've only been on a steroid once since. That was back in 2009. In some ways it seems like a long time ago and in other ways it feels like yesterday.

Luckily, I had some phenomenal neighbors who stepped up just like family. They helped with babysitting, laundry, housework, you name it. Brian, Hope, Justine and I survived that horrendous period in our lives, but it wasn't easy. I'm sure from the outside I looked a wreck, which is no surprise, because I was.

Through Dr. Ein's guidance and help I got my life back. He's long since retired and we've relocated out west. Yes, this latest hiccup with my current physician is unsettling, but I refuse to let it overtake my world. I'm taking the necessary steps to get my records and documents in order to appeal this most recent decision.

The previous portion of this post was written a couple of weeks ago. I thought this insurance/medicine dilemma was rectified. A phone call today said otherwise. It would be so easy to crawl in bed and call it a day. When I got the message my insides dropped. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me, which isn't that hard to do with me. Coincidentally, I just read how our breath is our life force and the link that connects each of us to the outside world. I guess a strained breath would symbolize an inside in turmoil. Wow. I concur. And I know a little bit about struggling for breath. So, then, what do you do about it? What do I do about it when my insides feel in disarray and I want to just call it a day?

Here's the thing; I can let my fear take over and destroy my world, or I can take a deep breath and just do the next right thing. In my case, this was calling and emailing the physician's office to find out next steps. Is it unsettling? Hell yes. But don't we all want everything when we want it? Life will always have unpredictable external obstacles pop up. That's the very nature of life. We don't have control over anything outside of our own center. With a few deep breaths, we can stabilize our insides and then the outside doesn't look quite as bad.

It was only a couple of hours ago that I received this unsettling news. Immediately, I thought I would have to cancel dance tonight and stay home and do what: brew and stew? I'm not going to lie. I almost let my insecurities get the best of me, but then I thought of all those women in dance who have become family. Tonight is one of the ladies birthday celebration. Each and everyone of these ladies have encouraged me to be more than I ever thought I could be. Who would have ever thought I would be dancing! I have a great excuse not to. Breathing is harder for me, but without it I will lose my connection to the world. I want to be a part of their world. I want the positive energy in dance to be the environment of my outside world. It makes it a lot easier to conquer any internal struggles when the desire to maintain my connection to this earth supersedes any obstacles that jump in my path.

When I'm surrounded by these beautiful positive and supportive badass bitches I've met in dance it is impossible for me to lose my center. Their world is the outside environment I want to be a reflection of my insides. Does your outside environment reflect your insides? That doesn't mean there won't be problems. That's life. Take a look around. Observe the people you've allowed to become a part of your world. If that environment doesn't reflect how you want to feel on the inside, then only one person can change it. YOU. Take a deep breath and create the environment you want. Find your people. The kids today use an acronym or saying: FOMO (fear of missing out.) Sounds stupid, but it puts things in perspective. When life throws you a curveball, and it will, is it easy to crawl in bed and call it a day? Or do you experience FOMO? The answer will tell you all you need to know about your outside environment. Make your outside world consistent with how you want to feel on the inside. Is it hard? Absolutely, so take a deep breath and connect your world. If I can do it, you can do it.