The Popularity of Presence

What in the heck does it mean to be present? I can physically be somewhere and not be present. Let me retrack that statement. I USED to be able to be somewhere and not be present. We hear presence all the time, but what does it really mean? Being present during classes in high school, or college, (I can't remember) sometimes meant exemption from nine weeks or semester tests. I may have accomplished that feat a time or two, but I assure you I was not truly present for all those classes.

Yogis and spiritual gurus toss the term around alot, so of course, I didn't listen. They're on the touchy feely side and I think I grew up with the motto that we always need a work product to justify existence. That can be a slippery slope for many or us.

Goals, commitments and planning for the future are all the buzz words for workaholics. Those are worthy mantras to have floating around in your noggin, but what if it's too much. Can you enjoy the journey if you're always focused on the destination?

It's easy for me to toss these around because I could and have easily been physically present for many things in my lifetime. Now, if you ask me if I was fully present and conscious all those times the answer is a resounding hell to the no. Having more than ten lifetimes worth of experience within the medical arena, I learned early on that if something was uncomfortable or painful, I didn't have to be present. A well meaning, yet naive, pulmonologist introduced me to Benzodiazepines. Xanax to be exact. This was in the early 90s before anyone was really knowledgeable about its potential for addiction. If I had trouble breathing I was told it was anxiety and could pop a Xanax. It worked for a short time, but my tolerance increased and anxiety could be from sitting at a redlight.

It's hard to say when it crossed over into addiction. Looking back, I didn't want to be present for anything. There's stress everywhere. I figured I just discovered an easier way to get through all those uncomfortable family functions, crazy bunco bitch sessions, boring classes, abusive relationships and let's not forget actual physical pain. I suffered for decades with migraines. Still get them, but now I understand it's just oxygen deprivation. I won't bore you with the details. Most addicts' narratives are the same. When things were hard or uncomfortable we checked out.

This brings be back to presence. Living sober has taught me how to be present. No, I don't have a choice and I'm not going to lie, that fact in itself, caused me great resentment. Somewhere over the last six years, I've discovered presence. Maybe it was the yogis. Maybe I just decided I'm only going to do what I want to do. I have lived with guilt and shame for as long as I can remember. I grew up in the Bible belt. Under no circumstances do I have that market cornered. A woman from the south doesn't have to be an addict to be full of shame and guilt. You face it everyday. Your clothes, your significant other, your lack of a significant other, your clothing size, your house, sorority, car, cooking skills, lack of cooking skills...the list is endless. You're either too much or not enough.

I have no better answer than the yogis, but call it touchy feely, or whatever, through presence I've learned to accept life on life's terms. It's through this realization that the presence comes in. There are some places I cannot be if I want to preserve my peace of mind. Bitchy judgemental women are no longer part of my life. I only surround myself with good energy. Yeah, that's another millennial buzz word, but I've learned there's truth behind it. When you walk in a room and it feels like everyone is talking about you, but no one says anything, that's bad energy. When someone guilts you for not sending a thank you card that's bad energy. When someone raises their eyebrows when you pull out the Daisy Dukes in the back of your closet, that's bad energy. When someone shames you for drinking a diet soda, that's bad energy.

Today I only surround myself with positive happy people. There are people in life that are nice just because. People whose presence makes you feel better about yourself. Maya Angelou once said people will forget your words, but they'll never forget how you make them feel. If you find your somewhere and that ick feeling is creeping up and you want to shrink and not be present - get the f"#$ out. Life's too short. Take a page out of the hippy yogis playbook and try actually being present. It's truly badass in every sense of the word.